Snot on

14+ short weeks ago, when that sperm met that egg, the pregnancy gods were having party. Of the rowdy kind, doing shots of tequila, having fun and feeling generous. And in their infinite kindness and through their drunken haze, they bestowed on me the Deluxe Supreme All Options Included Pregnancy Package. At no extra charge.

By now, I think I have finally left the puking days behind me. My constant companion, Nausea, has been faithfully by my side through thick and thin. A few days ago I was sure I could feel her grip starting to slip, and momentarily rejoiced.
Then I started sneezing and soon sensed the snot factory kick into action. Ahhhh I thought to myself, just a little fall cold, I can handle that – piece of cake compared to puking, right? Wrong.
Not a fall cold, not allergies, not just a little dust up my nose. It’s ANOTHER SNEAKY DAMN SYMPTOM of pregnancy, that fails to be widely publicized. The literature chalks it up to hormonal changes causing additional blood flow to mucous membranes. That, combined with added blood volume, causes the lining of sinus/nasal passages to swell and sometimes restricting the airflow. There is even a fancy term; Pregnancy Rhinitis. The good news is that although it can last for the entire pregnancy it should clear up right after delivery.
Even if I’m not experiencing a runny nose – only congestion and sinus pressure along with mad backwash, I am not feeling particularly grateful. My mood is more along the “pissed” and “where the fuck is my blissful 2nd trimester” lines.

Damn you, Estrogen and your skanky hormonal cohorts. And again Evolution – what the fuck? Taking the whole survival of the fittest a bit far, aren’t we?


Evolution, a word please.

Right now, Evolution.  We need to talk. Seeing that I’m totally on board with the dinosaurs, a big fan of Charles Darwin and all that, we’ve been on pretty good terms until now. But at this stage, I’d like an explanation for this “morning” sickness nonsense – I’d like it now, and it better be really effing good.

Even if I’m no longer playing an upside down volcano over the toilet (or sink), I’m still feeling pretty icky, and quite frankly it’s gone on long enough.
Plus, I’d like to know WHY other mammals (or animals in general) that reproduce sexually are not subjected to this. It hardly seems fair. And don’t throw back the whole “original sin” bullshit, you know that the two of you are not compatible.
You can leave your answer in the comments or get it to me any way other you choose, but I really am curious as to the reason. Thank you very much, Evolution, I look forward to hear from you almost as much as I look forward to having some semblance of my former self back.  That load of laundry from  yesterday, still in the dryer, probably all nicely wrinkled up by now. Work in progress, I tell you.

Oh and while we are on topic, a short essay on the fucked up placement of the bladder in front and below the uterus, please. Really, Evolution?  Was gravity not around when you made that excellent placement call?